Let's get things done. Shall we?

After some time of veering away from writing because of being preoccupied with the mechanical repetition in my life, I am here again – facing a blank page and hoping I will be able to send my message clearly. Believe me when I say I’m not at my best state. For a moment, I'm over-the-moon after spending the weekend with my friends. Then, I find myself swamped in misery with fluctuating emotions days after. I’m wondering if this is just a part of premenstrual syndrome (PMS), but I’m trying to analyze these supposed-to-be mood swings to the brim. This piece is an attempt for me to come into terms with the nonsensical aspects of the present I’m in.

My friends and colleagues know me. I have the brightest smile in the room coupled with my resounding laugh. I have ears always ready to hear people out. My heart has been doing its best to constantly understand. These are things on the tip of the iceberg of my being. Referencing Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalysis, these are manifestations of my conscious mind. These are what I am aware of and can think of rationally every day.

Wait. I’m not here to give a scientific explanation of my present thoughts and experiences. I just felt the need to scribble down random things playing around in my mind to get rid of being stagnant. I’m frightened of being stuck in the abyss of nothingness. Thus, I mustered all my courage to start this conversation with you, myself.

Previously, a senior from college randomly sent me a message asking if I’m up for a teaching role at our university. I would decline without an ounce of doubt if this question popped up five years ago (I won't detail my sentiments on this further to avoid any issue that might resurface). But, to my surprise, this question came just at the right moment in my life. Since college days, I’ve always found satisfaction in helping others improve either in writing or in speaking up their minds. I’ve always had this dream of standing in front of a class sharing the things I learned for and from my craft, which is writing.

I was elated because this person told me he’d been considering me for the role since years back. Of course, it was such an honor for me. It’s a recognition without a cherry on top, but gave my heart the extra skip in its beat. However, the butterflies in my stomach quickly vanished after I learnt the opening was not my perfect match. I’m not apt for the job since it requires someone with video editing and photography background. I’ve been writing and editing articles and thesis papers since high school. I’ve been on speaking engagements since college. At this point, I already know that again, this isn’t my time. He then went on asking how I have been heading to six years after graduating from college. Did I already take my Master’s Degree? That struck me. I finally heard the banging sound from the several attempts to wake me up from my deep sleep. It feels like I’ve been escaping treading the path I’m supposed to take years ago.

My job-hunter past self-recalled that yeah, it’s a staple question during interviews. How do you see yourself in five years? I was so sure back then. I envisioned having my MA already or at least on the process of getting it. But guess what? Five years later, that goal isn’t still on sight. The road getting there seems hazy and I’m barely moving at all. Reminiscing that exact moment when I was asked by my former work mentor makes me feel so humbled. I was young, fresh from college, and enthusiastic about getting the job I’ve been passionate about. After more than a year of clinging to the ropes of being a journalist, I let go of my grip and re-navigated the sails of my ship. I continued my journey with the same destination in mind, but shifted lanes and modified gears. From being an editorial staff and reporter, who delivers the news as it breaks at one of the oldest newspapers in our country, I’ve found comfort in managing people and training them, still, at a media-related haven.

I never thought life would not turn out the way I pictured it to be. I’m nowhere near my desired location at the moment, but with these epiphanies in my head, I’m hoping to finally start moving forward.

So now, let's get things done. Shall we?

Open that search engine. Look for universities offering the degree of your choice. Head to the scholarship grant organisation's website. Resume the application. Complete the requirements. Review. Click submit.

Pat yourself.

Finally, hope not for the best, but that everything will finally work out this time.

#life #writing #scholarships #jobs #universities