Note to Self, et al.

‘I never thought you’re feeling that way.’

This was what my brother told me after I finally opened up about my struggles during the onset of the pandemic, which have been further intensified by the reality that I got laid off from work.

After seeing him intently listening to my concerns, while being surprised knowing them for the first time, I felt this unfamiliar sense of liberation. For the longest time, my family has been thinking that I’m strong enough to handle my own burdens. How could they not perceive me that way? I never shared my pain since I was just a kid. Oftentimes, they would just know I’m hurting whenever I get asthma attacks, which, as I grew up, have developed into nervous breakdowns or episodes of anxiety. I’ve gotten so used in bottling up my feelings if I don’t think it would do any good to the people around me. I prefer being silent when times are tough, instead of adding fuel to the fire by throwing out bashful words. I am straightforward in giving my two cents on various things, but when it comes to my own affairs, I rather remain unheard.

I remember asking for advice from my then-psychology professor Sir Mark Lawrence Gale. At that time, I felt like exploding already. My thoughts have been long caged, so they yearn to be finally expressed. When I told him about my concerns, he assessed that I’m a person who feels a sense of purpose and fulfillment from people depending on me. Because I’ve put on a strong facade ever since, this trait has been ingrained in me. And I realized that he’s right. Through the years, I have this strong desire to be needed, since most people have looked up to me for my strength and ability to overcome almost anything. My friends have been asking for my advice whenever they feel troubled with something. As for conflicts within our family, I have been entrusted by my father to help him manage or pacify whatever the situation is. Whenever my mother would feel upset about something, I shower her with hugs, playful bugging, and everything that I can offer. My brothers, though we tease each other almost every day, are filled to the brim with my love and support in various ways. My former work colleagues have also been acknowledging the efforts I put in for them individually and for the overall welfare of our company.

Yes, I grew up with so much love, both on the giving and the receiving end. But, I hindered myself in fully opening up to other people. I’ve always felt that it would taint the strong image that I have and maybe, they wouldn’t find me reliable and credible to help them sort their problems anymore. I share my worries and confusions with my close friends, but I do not update them as much as they do to me. I prefer sorting my own mess alone and isolating myself from the rest of the world, until I gain back my strength that withered. I’ve been more comfortable (for a lack of a better term) battling my own demons, than giving other people a chance to help me lighten the weight I’ve been carrying.

I also discovered that it does not apply to my emotions alone. I remember having consistent back pain for almost a year, but I didn’t have it checked because it was tolerable for me. I'm guilty of glorifying my high pain tolerance. Not until it felt worse and affected my sleep that I finally decided to seek medical help. Then I learned I have mild scoliosis. Good thing, the doctor said, since I will no longer get taller (even though I hope I still do) my curvature won’t progress further.

I always have a way to hide my pain while being so observant of other people’s struggles. Thus, this particular moment, I just felt reassured that somehow, after unloading some of my burdens, my brother acknowledged and understood them. He’s younger than me, but in some cases, I admit, he’s more mature in dealing with pressure, more so failures. He has opened doors of learning for me to enter in a macro and micro perspective. I also appreciate having him as my confidant other than being my number one ‘basher’ (as you know, he has his ways of getting into my nerves too).

I realized, time and again, that I shouldn’t expect people to automatically be compassionate or empathetic toward me whenever I experience downfalls. Since I’ve always put on an ‘I’m fine’ mask, they, of course, would think that I really am. It might still be hard for me to open up regarding my struggles and frustrations, but I will do my best to tread on that path.

So for now, please understand if it takes long for me to answer your messages. If you didn’t hear from me for the past days, weeks, months, or even years, kindly bear with me. I’m still a work in progress. I need time to come into terms with everything that is happening to me and within me. I sincerely hope that you will continue rooting for me, as I’ll be back soon in your message inboxes, our group chats, and even in your call logs.

#blog #writing #self #family #home #appreciation #love #pain #strength