The art of dating again [or not]
- Rachel Joyce Burce
- Sep 19, 2020
- 3 min read
‘Swipe the photo to the right to match with them, or left to politely pass.’
This is the basic instruction of the bee dating application I recently signed into. It was initially out of boredom (as most of us are probably feeling nowadays) that I finally decided to give it a shot. Little did I know that I’d be in for an experience I never once had before.
Since my last relationship failed almost two years ago, my friends have kept on insisting for me to go on dates through a dating app. However, I have always declined, telling them it’s just not my thing. Well, a part of me was frightened to see people I know and be judged by them. Dating apps also have a negative reputation for me, based on the stories I heard from my friends who have been avid users of such. Plus, since I’m a ‘manang,’ or what we mostly refer to as an old soul, I didn’t like the idea of meeting or getting to know someone at an online space where some people are just looking for flings and hook-ups. I’ve been a firm believer of chivalry and of people personally sharing parts of themselves, then eventually developing affection and intimacy towards one another. I’ve thought that sincerity transcends words and is also manifested through silence, exchange of glances, and body language.
So, what happened that I brought myself to something I initially did not believe in?
I realized it was beyond boredom. I felt trapped in the daily motion of things and people. I suffered suffocation from the forced self-confinement because of the pandemic. I grew tired of looking forward to seeing the rainbow after the rain and the light at the end of the tunnel since the future ahead of us is still hazy. On a positive note though, I earnestly hoped to find comfort from others, aside from my family and friends. I also wished of getting to know someone who has similar interests and goals as me, understands my struggles, respects differences, listens attentively, and gives insights on issues that matter.
Do you ever wonder how magical it is to experience your heart fluttering again, which isn’t due to your favorite artists or good music you’ve heard for the first time? It feels great, isn’t it? When I realized I’m in this phase anew, it kind of served as a reminder that ‘yeah, I am still a human being,’ capable of having butterflies in my stomach or fast-paced heartbeats. That even the first note from him singing one of my all-time favorites was enough to make my day in an instant. His analysis of a movie that recently blew my mind impressed me so much. Even the way he makes fun of me because of some silly things I did in the past was such a mood-booster.
But these heart-pounding moments were just too good to be true in the reality that we’re in. I don’t want to be a hypocrite: I admit that I enjoyed this feeling, after a long while. It seems ages already since the last time someone made me brightly look forward to each passing of the day. Since I’ve been so used to distancing myself from the people around me, even from my closest friends, I’ve almost forgotten the existence of that giddy emotion.
This gets me thinking to why have I held back all this time?
I’ve been scared to try and fail once more. I’ve been convincing myself that I’m independent and I’m fine being alone. I’ve set my walls too high and didn’t even lay down a rope for someone to cling on to his way of getting through me. I just didn’t want to get my heart shattered into pieces, again.
Yet, here I am, on the brink of getting another heartache of some sort.
So, I’m thinking of ending things, to spare myself from being attached to him any further. He said he is afraid of sincerity, which, unfortunately, is something I’m good at expressing. He’s still struggling to move on from his ‘the one who got away,’ and I can’t stand being at the front row witnessing it.
I’m thinking of ending things, even though nothing has officially started yet.
Writer’s note: This piece is inspired by Charlie Kaufman’s latest film, I’m Thinking of Ending Things. Fret not, spoilers are nowhere to be found here.
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