To whom it may concern,
- Rachel Joyce Burce
- Dec 1, 2020
- 3 min read
I'm talking about and to myself, again. I know I don't owe it to anyone, but since I'm reading my own thoughts too, I may come off as oversharing. Apologies. I just can't help it. I can no longer easily talk to people these days. I seem to be more comfortable by just being on my own most of the time. Instead of telling these to someone, I usually feel at ease jotting it down, and eventually posting it for the world to see, and people somehow relate to.
It is usually during this time that I feel the most empty and unsure of how to get through this phase. All I know is that I'm getting tired of engaging in conversations that are usually temporary. I've been looking for sensible discussions lately, but I just get more and more disappointed each passing of the day.
I'm already approaching my third month of socializing through an online dating app. I started using it with the intention of getting to know new people and new perspectives, admittedly hoping to find the appropriate 'match' for me. So far, I've become acquainted with different sorts: those who obviously are just after casual fun; some who are hopeless romantic wanting to be dearly loved against all odds; and others who want an escape from the cruel world hoping to talk to someone who can understand them. I somehow belong to the latter.
It sucks that I've made it a habit swiping left and right on a daily basis. I've become so addicted of having the need to validate myself, so I sometimes get anxious whenever I don't have a 'match' to talk to. I know I can find comfort from my friends or family in this regard. However, I'm already suffocated. I need a breather, something new - may it be an environment or a person. Since it's not practical and advisable for now going on healing trips, I've ventured in exploring this location-based social application.
I hate it when I become like this too. It seems I've become desperate for care, affection, and love, when I know I have a lot of people already giving it to me. It's inescapable anymore. I'm tired of being the bigger person and always rational one. I somehow wants to be petty and immature at times while being unbothered by others' judgement of my behavior. I yearn for that moment when I'll be the one being cared for, despite my anxiety episodes, pre-menstrual mood swings, and mere unresponsiveness.
I hope to meet someone who will not only accept my temperaments, but will also do his best to embrace them. I look forward to fate doing its job of letting me come across a person who is flawed as I am, but willing to share each of the loads we're both carrying. I wish to see myself getting the happiness I deserve amid the chaos and uncertainties in this world.
I long to have a constant someone who'll be willing to listen to my rants and even small wins. I desire to be assured that after the storms, better days are coming. I pray to have a man who has dreams, that even if they're far-fetched to become a reality, will still tread on the path of achieving them.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not looking for a perfect guy. Cliche as it may seem, that's nowhere to be found, of course. I'm just waiting for the man who's not afraid of unveiling his insecurities, while also working on not being consumed by it.
To you, whomever you may be, don't get intimidated by my strong disposition. Yes, I'm straightforward and knows exactly what I want in life. I might be a little probing sometimes (thanks to my journalistic sense). When that happens, please be honest with me, even how ugly the truth is. I promise to be as understanding as I hope you will also be.
There are things I wish to tell you further, but I'll reserve it for later when we finally meet.
Thirty-one days to go before 2020 ends, will you make it this year? If not, hopefully early next year? Just kidding. Take your time. I'm patiently waiting, as I've always been.
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